Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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