You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
