we have pet lesbian snakes
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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