Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
