dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
