you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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