Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
