My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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