these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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