I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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