She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize