Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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