So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
