I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
