Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
