I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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