just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I will be naked everywhere
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
