did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
