those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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