You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
