if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
