It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
