I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
