last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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