not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
