I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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