i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
