I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
