he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
