dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
