dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize