you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Sext me about skeletons
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
