Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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