the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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