The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
