i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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