she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
