I think I am morally bankrupt
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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