i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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