Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
