So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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