Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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