this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
