i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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