atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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