but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
