He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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