I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
