Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
