i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
