I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
