I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Randomize
