she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
