I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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