is your mom at the bar?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
