So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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