I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
how drunk are you?
Several
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
