hotel room ftw
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
