apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize