I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
